Checkin In
I haven't written a blog in way to long, I have many drafts but I haven't found the time to edit them yet. Now that I am on winter break from school and I am bored as shit, I think I'll get to it. Anyway, Hi how are you? Are you having a good day? I hope so.
There's a good amount of fun stuff going on in my life right now. For starters Jeremy and I broke up. I told him my mental health wasn't good enough to be in a relationship at the moment, and that was mostly true. I won't go into the dirty details of the break up because that is between him and I, I'll just say he hurt me and I didn't know how to fix it. I didn't know how to make it better and I think a part of me didn't even want to. When he hurt me all I wanted to do was hurt him back, but that's not who I am and that's not the person that I want to be. I care for him a lot and I wish him the best in life, but there's no way that we could move forward and not be toxic to each other. So it was best to split ways and I'm honestly okay, I didn't break my own character and I'm very proud of myself for that.
While we were going through everything I kept trying to figure out why it affected me the way that it did and I came to the conclusion that he made me feel like I wasn't enough. I hated that because there's been a lot of people in my life who have made me feel that way and I never thought he would be one of them so that hurt. However I was talking to my brilliant mother and I told her that, I told her how I felt and that I was tired of people making me feel like I wasn't enough and she said "If you truly felt like you were enough, you wouldn't let anyone make you feel like you aren't."
Guys... that shit hit hard... All this time I've been blaming others for how I've felt, for making me feel some type of way and it's not them, it's me. I need to learn how to appreciate myself and how to love myself without someone having to constantly tell me.
I am enough, I am intelligent, I am funny, I am caring and supportive, and for fucks sake I am beautiful.
It's feels really strange to say those things, I feel like I'm bragging or like I'm full of myself. I think that's how we grow up these days, where you almost feel guilty for loving yourself because someone will call you narcistic or self-centered. I want you guys to know that it is okay to love yourself and that putting yourself first doesn't make you a bad person. It's okay to do you for a while and it's okay if you have to break some hearts and cut some ties if it makes you a better you.
Another more exciting thing is that I've been thinking about double-majoring in environment science as well as nutrition. I took a couple elective classes this last quarter that were about building a more sustainable future and what's going to happen if we don't get our act together soon. The one class I took, sustainable cites, was about you guessed it, sustainable cities. I learnt about places around the world that are trying to be more carbon neutral and eco-friendly and it was amazing. There is some incredible places out there. If you get a chance look up Freiburg, Germany, do it. It's amazing, It is absolutely on my travel list now. The other class I took was an intro to environmental science class where I learnt about how we are depleting a lot of our resources and how we need to switch to more sustainable options fairly quick. Did you know that out of all the water on the planet less than one percent is suitable for human consumption? I didn't until I took this class. I also didn't know about the dust bowl, which like how did we not learn that in school?? Maybe we did, I wasn't the best student in high school. I got good grades but I didn't really pay attention. I feel like I would have remember that though... Who knows. Anyway my point here is that these classes taught me much but I don't feel like I learnt enough at the same time, like I need more information about the topics so I'm going to double major.
Another huge thing that happened was that I finally became an American citizen! My family has been going through this process since 2010, so like ten years it took us. COVID prolonged it a bit but that's fine, we still did it. We had to go to Seattle for our interview, test and oath and honestly it was far less intimidating than I imagined it would be. In my head I pictured sitting in an interrogation room, lit only by a lamp and a camera on me the whole time, then someone in full military clothing would be playing bad cop slamming their hands on the table and shit. Yeah that's what I pictured, dramatic as fuck. Guys, it was so chill, I had this lady ask me question and sit in this rather cozy office and it was fine... I told my mom I failed because any chance I get to mess with her you know I'm going to do it. So I called her freaking out about how I didn't pass my civics test and she got so upset but she was like are you fucking kidding me and I was like lol yeah I am.
That's pretty much all that's new in my life at the moment, nothing too crazy. I've been thinking about doing another love life list though, but with school and work I don't want to overload myself. at the same time though, I feel like I need to put more emphasis on doing things that make me happy. I don't know I'm on the fence about it right now.
Jackson is still doing great, he's getting a little chunky, but we are working on it. I took him to work one day so my coworkers could meet him and I'm a little surprised no one stole him. He's so lovable.
Anyway that's it, that's all I've got for you right now. I hope you all have a fantastic day and remember to put yourself first sometimes. Love you guys, talk to you soon!
-Courtney
