Journal Challenge Day 29: How Do You Feel About Love?

   The idea of love to me is beautiful. To have someone by your side for the rest of your life that accepts you as you are and loves every piece of you, even if they don't like every piece. Maybe I watch too many Hallmark movies and romanticize love more than is actually realistic, but also maybe one day I'll meet the person who makes my life feel like a Hallmark movie. That would be cool. 

   I don't believe in soulmates, I think the idea of it is adorable and the Greek myth about is precious. If you don't know about it I'll explain. I'm paraphrasing obviously, but basically what the myth says is; Zeus originally created humans with four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces. (That would be terrifying) But Zeus thought and feared that they would be too powerful so he split them into two beings and set them on the path to find their other half. I don't know why because it's kinda creepy to think about having four arms and two faces and also Zeus basically cursed us with a mission to find a needle in a haystack, but I still think that's fucking cute as shit.

   The realist part of me though refuses to believe in soulmates. There's no way that out of the what 7 billion-plus people in the world that you're destined to be with just one. That there is just one soul out there that is meant to match with yours. What if your soulmate dies before you even meet them? Is that how crazy cat ladies are created? That thought just made me so sad for all the crazy cat ladies. 

   Also, what are the odds that you would actually meet your soulmate? Again there's a shit ton of people on this planet, we are separated by borders and oceans. Like my 'soulmate' is probably in an insane asylum in Australia for fuck sakes.

   I love love. I love having a person, someone to go through everything with. It's just fun, you know, life is better when you have someone to share it with. I've been talking to some people in the last few days, first I should mention that my boyfriend and I split up. It just wasn't working out. So I've been talking to people about it and how it made me feel, which I'm actually really proud of myself for doing and not just keeping it all inside. That's means that the things I've been doing to improve myself are working and that's super exciting for me!! Anyway, some of the things they've told me really resonated with me. I was talking with my mom and I told her that I like having a person and she said "Having a person is wonderful and important but you want it to be the right person." This hit me because I realized with most of the relationships I've been in, I kind of jumped into. There was no dating period where you just figure each other out before you start going steady. It was always just immediately being a couple. I haven't really been single for a long time, I've pretty much been dating one person back to back since middle school. So because of that, I feel like I don't have a good idea of who I am just by myself. I've always been Courtney and her guy, or them or whatever. I mean I know who I am and what I stand for and all that, but I want to do a test run and just see if maybe I find out new things about myself or if I learn anything, or change when I'm just me. 

   Another was something my friend Jeremy said. He said to think of love as a glass of water, I've heard this comparison before but mostly about just life and I never connected it to love. He said "Your glass has to be full before you can pour any into someone else's glass. You also have to make sure the other person's glass is full too. If one glass has less then the other then one person is giving more and the other one is taking more when it should be an equal ratio of give and take" Just the way he explained it to me made so much sense. Another thing he said was "You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else, think of the water in the glasses. Yours is full of the love you have for yourself and so when you give and take love that love is just substituting the love you have for yourself." This guy is a fucking genius. It made me realize that my cup isn't quite full, I don't think it's empty, but it could use a refill. I think maybe it's been like that for a while. So I'm going to work on that and get that 100% back. 

   I'm not sure whether past experiences have distorted my view of love or if they've just shown me a realistic view of it. In my mind love is probably one of the easiest and also the hardest things to do. I feel like that only makes sense if you've been in love before. Love is challenging and frustrating and a hell of a learning experience. My friend Molly says "Some people come in your life of a blessing, and others for a lesson." I have learned a lot of lessons. I've learned how much I can and can't handle, I've learned that I give too much to people how wouldn't give me a little. I've learned that giving second chances is okay but not to give more than that and that there's still a lot that I have to work on in order to be a better partner. That I'm the only one who can truly make me happy and I'm learning how to do that. 

   My personal view of love right now at this moment is that it hurts. One thing I said to my friend when she was going through a hard break up that I've been holding on to is that there are billions of people in the world, don't let one or two ruin love for you. I know it won't feel like that forever and my view of love will continue to change over time and experiences and so that's the hope I'll hold onto.

Thanks for reading 

-Courtney