Journal Challenge Day 3: What Scares You?
I feel like there's not many things that scare me in the world, it's more ideas and what-ifs that haunt my little soul. I am however absolutely petrified of sharks, and if one more person tells me I have a greater chance of being killed by a cow than a shark, I might actually punch them in the face. All animals are precious and I love them, but satan himself designed a shark. In highschool my asshole best friends used to change my screensaver to this picture of a great-white, I think they were curious if a 16-year-old girl could have a heart attack. I still hate you guys.
Spiders are another one, but only if they are in the house if they're outside I don't really care. Sometimes I'm scared of heights, it kind of comes and goes. There are days where I'm more fearless and can stomach them but others where I think I'll just stay safe and sound on the ground.
I'm not scared of dying, I never have been but after working in hospice for so long now I think death has beauty in it. however, I'm scared of people I'm close to dying, scared of the what if when they die I have regrets and things I never told them. That I'll never see their face or hear their laughs or feel their touch. I'm scared that what if when I die my family feels that way too. What if they regret not going on those walks with me or giving me their full attention in a conversation. Maybe they'll regret watching TV so much or being on their phones when they could be enjoying the last interaction we ever have. I'm not saying that to be hard on my parents, I just don't want them to miss out on life and then regret it later. What if my dad realizes that he had a decent human for a daughter and regrets not being there, he still won't be welcome at my funeral though, sucks to suck.
Another family thing I'm scared of is that I'll lose my loved ones too soon due to health conditions. Things that could have been prevented, and I know that if I lose my mom to something that could've been prevented that I'll blame myself, that's just who I am. Unfortunately. I don't get a say in how my family lives their lives or what they eat or if they exercise, that's up to them. I just want them to remember how they felt when my grandma had her first heart attack and then think about if they want to put their children through that same thing.
Another thing hospice made me scared of is not having anyone there when I'm older, or having kids who don't care enough to help me in my old age (I get I'm only 22 but I saw this stuff up close and it hurts your heart). I don't want to die alone.
I'm scared that I won't be a good mother, which I think is the reason that I don't really want kids. You can't be a bad mom without children. I have Jackson and I treat him like my child because he is, but I know at the end of the day that he won't sass talk me or grow up, leave and never look back.
I'm scared of having regrets and not fully enjoying my life. I don't want to sit on my death bed and think that I wish I did something, I want to think of all the great things I did and all the amazing people I love.
I'm scared of disappointing people including myself, but I'm also scared that that fear will hold me back. I'm scared of trying new things because I have a fear of failing.
I'm absolutely terrified of a world without my best friends in it. It' hard enough to face the world together. I love you guys.
That's all I can think of right now, I guess I'm scared of more things than I realized. Thanks for reading, and please live your lives to the fullest. Don't leave the house without saying I love you, don't miss out on the little things, always say what's in your heart and never forget how precious life really is.
-Courtney.
Spiders are another one, but only if they are in the house if they're outside I don't really care. Sometimes I'm scared of heights, it kind of comes and goes. There are days where I'm more fearless and can stomach them but others where I think I'll just stay safe and sound on the ground.
I'm not scared of dying, I never have been but after working in hospice for so long now I think death has beauty in it. however, I'm scared of people I'm close to dying, scared of the what if when they die I have regrets and things I never told them. That I'll never see their face or hear their laughs or feel their touch. I'm scared that what if when I die my family feels that way too. What if they regret not going on those walks with me or giving me their full attention in a conversation. Maybe they'll regret watching TV so much or being on their phones when they could be enjoying the last interaction we ever have. I'm not saying that to be hard on my parents, I just don't want them to miss out on life and then regret it later. What if my dad realizes that he had a decent human for a daughter and regrets not being there, he still won't be welcome at my funeral though, sucks to suck.
Another family thing I'm scared of is that I'll lose my loved ones too soon due to health conditions. Things that could have been prevented, and I know that if I lose my mom to something that could've been prevented that I'll blame myself, that's just who I am. Unfortunately. I don't get a say in how my family lives their lives or what they eat or if they exercise, that's up to them. I just want them to remember how they felt when my grandma had her first heart attack and then think about if they want to put their children through that same thing.
Another thing hospice made me scared of is not having anyone there when I'm older, or having kids who don't care enough to help me in my old age (I get I'm only 22 but I saw this stuff up close and it hurts your heart). I don't want to die alone.
I'm scared that I won't be a good mother, which I think is the reason that I don't really want kids. You can't be a bad mom without children. I have Jackson and I treat him like my child because he is, but I know at the end of the day that he won't sass talk me or grow up, leave and never look back.
I'm scared of having regrets and not fully enjoying my life. I don't want to sit on my death bed and think that I wish I did something, I want to think of all the great things I did and all the amazing people I love.
I'm scared of disappointing people including myself, but I'm also scared that that fear will hold me back. I'm scared of trying new things because I have a fear of failing.
I'm absolutely terrified of a world without my best friends in it. It' hard enough to face the world together. I love you guys.
That's all I can think of right now, I guess I'm scared of more things than I realized. Thanks for reading, and please live your lives to the fullest. Don't leave the house without saying I love you, don't miss out on the little things, always say what's in your heart and never forget how precious life really is.
-Courtney.
