Journal Challenge Day 30: How This Journal Challenge Affected You.
I was supposed to write this the day following my last post but I couldn't really think of much to say. I needed to think about it a little more. I still don't think I've completely grasped everything that this experience has taught me but I have a rough idea at least.
I didn't follow a specific set of questions, like a journal challenge you would find on Pinterest. I picked and chose from them though. I couldn't find an entire challenge where all the questions applied to me and my life, so I just made my own and came up with some of my own questions as well. When I was trying to find questions that I wanted though I had a hard time because a lot of the questionnaires I was finding had questions about fathers. I've mentioned my father in previous posts, so if you've read them then you'll know we don't have any kind of positive relationship. So I think the first thing I learned through this challenge is that I still have a lot of anger towards this man and a lot of very negative energy that is just wearing me down. However since there's nothing I can do to change the past and I don't see anything changing in the future either, I think I just have to learn to let it go. I've learned though that it's not so much him that I miss or that's bothering me, it's more the fact of just not having a father in general. I have a step-dad that I'm grateful for and I know he loves me very much but it's not the same. I never had that father-daughter bond that my friends had. Even to this day, I feel jealous of people around me who have those relationships and I see them take it for granted more often than not. I'm upset about the fact that I won't have my father walk me down the aisle one day or share that father-daughter dance. Moments like those are what bothers me because I missed out on so many already and I know that there will be more moments that a girl is supposed to share with her father that I just won't have. I just have to learn how to be okay with that and cherish what I do have instead of what I don't.
This challenge made me more aware of what I as a person and as an individual like and don't like. Also what I believe in and what I don't. I feel like when you have a conversation with people about deep topics and more controversial things that your opinion gets a little skewed by theirs, or at least mine does. It's not really a bad thing, I think its important to take other angles into account. It was nice to just write exactly what I thought about things with no outside opinions. It was just me and my laptop. My religious views have been torn for so long because I want to believe in a higher power so badly, I want that comfort and that faith but I just don't have it. This challenge made me a little more certain about how I feel. I still talk to God sometimes just in case because there's really no harm. If he does exist then maybe he hears me and if he doesn't then maybe just saying things out loud will comfort me. Either way is fine by me.
I realized many good things about myself and also many bad things. I know I still have a lot of things to work on to become the person I want to be, but I like who I am right now too. This challenge really made me realize that. I'm proud of everything I've become due to everything I've been through. Whether or not I handled everything the right way I still brought myself back, and I think that says a lot. I've learned that I need to stop taking life in general so seriously. It's okay to goof off and have fun, it's okay to let loose and party, it's okay to take time for just you and allow yourself to breathe. When you're on your death bed you won't be thinking about all those times when you had to work or study or pay bills; you'll be thinking about those spontaneous road trips, and beach days, and that one time that you maybe did something a little too crazy but it was completely worth it.
It taught me that I have a lot of things I need to forgive myself for, a lot of things that I can't change. A lot that I just need to let go of. Life hits and it hits hard and whether you're ready for it or not it doesn't care. I stress myself out a lot with the feeling of 'I'm running out of time' which even I know is ridiculous, I'm 22 years old. That's young, that's so young, but the feeling is still there. I think it comes for the fact that I had my life completely planned out in high school. I knew I wanted to get married at 20, have two kids at age 22 and 24, I knew I wanted to be a veterinarian and what school I wanted to go to. I was thorough too, but none of that happened. I graduated from high school and that plan stayed there. I took a few different paths that lead me into good and bad times, and to where I am now. The feeling of running out of time isn't there because it's true to my current life it's there because in my mind I'm failing at the life I imagined when I was younger. The life that didn't happen. I need to let that life go and allow myself to stop feeling guilty over not living it.
Adding on to that, another thing that I learned is how I want my life to look in the future. This plan isn't as thoughtfully planned out as the other one was, but it's a start. I know now the career path I want to take and I've got my schooling all set up for it. I know I want to get married but I'm not setting an age for when that's happening. I'm still unsure about children because the thought scares the absolute crap out of me. Maybe I'll figure it out one day, maybe I'll have an oopsie baby, maybe I'll adopt, or maybe I'll just stick to having animals. Whatever way that plans out, I'll make it work.
I highly encourage you to do this writing challenge, even if it's more for fun then self-discovery. I had a great time doing it and found that most days it puts a smile on my fees or took a little weight off my shoulders. Here's the full list of prompts I used, there's only 29 because I had a duplicate, Feel free to change the questions or write your own as you see fit. Have fun with it. As always thanks for reading :)
-Courtney
- What would you do if you knew you wouldn't fail?
- Write about 3 good things that happened today.
- What is something you find attractive about your personality?
- Top 3 favorite quotes?
- What scares you?
- What is your ideal day?
- Who do you look up to the most?
- What do you believe in?
- What do you miss about childhood?
- Write about your dream house.
- 2 things to improve on?
- How are you similar to your parents?
- Write about a funny story that still makes you laugh.
- What's your relationship with food?
- How do you feel about love?
- What Disney princess/villain are you?
- What's something that's stuck with you?
- What was highschool like?
- Good habits you want to adopt?
- What makes you 'you'?
- How to win your heart.
- Where have you traveled? Where do you want to travel?
- What is your world view?
- List of 10 favorite things and why you love them.
- Write about your zodiac sign.
- Top 3 pet peeves.
- Tattoos and piercings?
- 10 simple things that make you smile.
- How this journal challenge made you feel.
