How to Distinguish The Difference Between a Healthy and Unhealthy Relationship.
I just want to start by saying that I don't have any certifications in talking about trauma or abuse or any of that. I'm just sharing my own personal experiences and what I've learned and noticed in my almost 23 years on this earth. That being said, if you're going through something that you don't know how to handle by yourself I highly recommend that you seek real professional help. Doing that doesn't mean that you're weak. I know that there is a bad stigma around getting therapy, but know that it is a very healthy thing to do.
I recently got out of a relationship that wasn't healthy, and I realized that I've been in more relationships that had negatives effects on me than I did positive ones. I've been in relationships that have really hurt me mentally and ones that have hurt me physically. I would like to do more research to better understand why my generation has such a hard time with love. Why people end up the way that they do, and why they treat others the way that they do. I also have to take into account my own actions and reflect on my own toxic behaviors and that's what I've been doing through my "New year, new me" mindset.
Toxic relationships are pretty sneaky sometimes, they hide well. I don't just mean romantic relationships either, toxicity can be present in friendships and family relationships, with coworkers and acquaintances. If you think about your relationship with someone, (The big picture, the overall relationship, not just that day) and it doesn't make you happy then why are you putting time and effort into something that doesn't make you feel good. It doesn't matter who they are to you, it could be one of your parents. Don't feel obligated to have someone in your life just because they are blood. I can't preach that enough you guys. If I never learned this I would still have a very toxic relationship with my own father. He would still be telling me that anything I do isn't good enough, or any decision I make is the wrong one. When you think about it having no relationship is better than having a bad one right? Sure it sucks and it's unfortunate, but I'm far happier with him out of my life. Family doesn't always have to mean blood. Anyone who loves you unconditionally through thick and thin, that is your family. Do not settle for bad blood.
Onto romantic relationships, these are tricky, these are sometimes hard to identify and these are extremely hard to leave. At least that's been my experience anyway. There are the more obvious things, like physical abuse, and sexual abuse which your partner can do to you, but I want to go into more detail about things that hurt you emotionally.
Gaslighting is the first one that comes to me, this is when your partner manipulates you into questioning your own reality. An easy example would be that if you asked your partner to do something for you and then they didn't do it, then when you confront them they respond with "You never told me to do that." when they know that you did. Obviously, that's a pretty minor thing, but this can become far worse and the partner can convince that you're losing your mind. It's hard to spot because it's easy to forget things, were human it happens. Some signs to look for are lying, projecting, giving you positive feedback, and then tearing you down. Other signs are turning people against you, they do this to have people on their 'side' and they will convince these people that you're crazy and then often try to convince you that you're crazy.
Another form of abuse and I'm not sure if there's a word for this but I'm just going to call them freeloader relationships. When you're with someone and all they want is money, or things, or just something from you. I was in a relationship like this and my partner could not keep a job he would get one, work for a few weeks and then either quit or get fired. So I had to be the breadwinner, which in healthy relationships would be fine. One person picks up the slack while the other gets back on their feet. However, this relationship wasn't like that, all he wanted to do was play video games and smoke weed (that he bought with my hard-earned money). So I was working 48-hour shifts to pay all the bills and still manage to have money to eat. There was a week where all I ate was cheese because that was all I had in the fridge, no I'm not exaggerating. I would work all day and then come home and clean up his messes and then go to bed to do it all over again the next day. I was miserable and I completely resented him which in hindsight I should have left sooner. I think that staying brought out toxic traits in me as well. If you are putting in everything you have for someone who is not giving you 10% get out of that relationship. You don't always have to put in 90%, that's not what a relationship should be, it should be 50/50. Not all the time because some days it okay for it to be 70/30. It's give and take, and some days you have to give a little more or some days you need a little more given to you.
If your partner is saying things like "You can't leave me, I'd kill myself without you." or "You'll never find someone better than me." This is abuse. If you are not happy with this person, you have zero obligation to stay with them. Read that again. In most cases, the people don't mean that they will actually kill themselves they just say it so you'll stay. If you truly believe that they mean it, maybe speak to their parents or other loved ones that they may have and those people can seek out real help for them. You are not obligated to do this. You are not responsible for how people react to things you do. I read something a while ago that said "A woman walked up to my friend and told her that she was intimidating, and I said 'Is she really intimidating or are you just intimidated by her'" There is a difference. Relationships, where people guilt trip you into staying or try to convince you that there is nothing better out there for you, are not okay. Your partner should think that they are lucky to have you, they should cherish you and lift you up, and if yours isn't giving you that then it's not a good one.
Another form of abuse is humiliation. This could be in front of people or in private. I had a boyfriend in my senior year of high school and every time I got my period he would do something nice for me, like get me sweets or ginger ale or whatever, and then he would tell everyone in our friend group that I had my period so he was doing these nice things for me. He wanted praise for these things, but it was at the expense of my privacy. If I wanted everyone to know I would wear white pants and no products. This is public humiliation. Your partner should respect your privacy and put his ego aside to protect it. Private humiliation is when your partner says things to just you that embarrass you. I was dating someone who would say things like "Your weight upsets me" or "You never look good for me." First of all, if I don't want to get dressed up and do my makeup and my hair every day then I'm not going to. Second of all, when I do those things I don't do it for anyone but myself. Your partner should think you are stunning even on days when you look like a fucking potato. Another thing that everyone should know is that if someone can't change something in 5 seconds, don't comment negatively on it. For example your weight, height, teeth. If someone has food in their teeth or their pant leg is tucked in their sock then feel free to let them know. There is a difference between your partner worrying about your health and them criticizing your weight.
I've been in a relationship where my partner would tell me not to be friends with people or to choose between them and someone that I care deeply about. That is not okay. Absolutely do not let your partner tell you these things. Again there is a difference between your partner not wanting you to hang out with people because they are no good for you and them telling you not to because of their own insecurities. Jealousy can be healthy in small doses, but it's easy for it to become toxic. I've been cheated on so I have a bit of anxiety about my partner hanging out with girls that I'm not familiar with. That's something that I still have to get over.
Another very toxic thing that a person can do to you, is trying to make you completely theirs. Like there isn't a 'you', you don't exist anymore. A guy I dated once said this to me; "If you want to be with me, you need to drop the independence." First of all, what does that even mean? You want me to not be my own person? Ladies, don't ever let anyone tell you this. Be independent. Be confident. Be overly confident, rock that shit. If someone tells you that you are too confident or you're too independent, they say these things because they know that you are too good for them. They don't want you to reach your full potential because then you'll know it too. A healthy relationship will build you up, and by default make you a better person. The same guy, during an argument, said "You're an extension of me." This was the point where I realized that he didn't see me as a person. So I responded with "No, I'm not. I am my own person, with my own thoughts and my own ideas. I am a part of your life, not a part of you. There's a difference." If your partner thinks that you exist only for them, fucking leave. They don't deserve you. They need to acknowledge that you are you, and under no circumstance ever should you have to give that up.
Love isn't easy, but it doesn't have to be this hard. If you are in a relationship that has more bad days than good ones, know that there's someone out there who will give you the opposite. Someone who will love every single part of you just because it's part of you. You deserve someone who only makes you cry happy tears, and who laughs with you, not at you. I know from experience that it's hard to leave toxic relationships, these people know how to say all the right things. Maybe they even try to change, but that change doesn't last. Once they have you back you slip into the same routine. Leave them, and leave them behind because there are far things yet to come for you.
Take it easy guys,
-Courtney
