Taking Back My Birthday!

    I can already tell that this is the hardest blog I'll ever write.

    For the past 10 years, there has been a reason that I don't like my birthday, and for the past 5 there's been a reason that I absolutely hate it. I'm not writing this for sympathy or to be a 'victim' because that's not what I want. I don't want anyone to treat me any differently after they read this. I'm writing this because today it's my birthday and I want to enjoy it again. I'm tired of letting these things dictate how I feel on this day. I'm tired of letting them have power over me. 

    The first thing is that 10 years ago my Mom and Step-Dad got married. Which don't get me wrong I love them both unconditionally, and I'm so happy that my mom found someone who makes her happy. She deserves that. She deserves the absolute world. That being said, they got married on my birthday and even though that was 10 years ago I still don't know how to forgive that. I don't think I'll ever understand why they picked today when there are so many others. My birthday was a Saturday that year and they could've waited until Sunday, but they didn't.

    I have so many feelings about it. I'm not sure if maybe they didn't understand the effect this would have on me. Like how it feels when someone calls to wish me a Happy Birthday and they say "Tell your parents "Happy Anniversary." I know in my heart that they didn't do this to hurt me intentionally, but that's just what happened. It made me feel like I wasn't important, and that I was selfish for just wanting to have the one day a year that was about me. I think it bothers me most because these are feelings that my mom has never made me feel before this day and so it felt like a betrayal. You only get one birthday and you don't get a say in when it is. You can choose what day you get married. Another thing that I don't think they realized is that what if it doesn't work out? What if god forbid they get divorced and then they don't like this day and then I feel more guilty for wanting to celebrate it when they're sad. 

    It feels like I don't matter enough, even if that's not the case. As I've said I love them very much, but I don't know how to move on. I also feel like I can't bring it up to talk about it, and resolve it because every time I try it gets brushed off. They say "You should feel honored that they picked that day." or "You're being selfish for complaining about it." And maybe I am. Maybe I am being a little selfish, I should be ecstatic that they've made it 10 years together. But I'm not and I just can't pretend that I am because I've realized that it hurts me more. Maybe this is something that I need to speak to a professional about to move past. I don't want to feel guilty anymore and I don't want to feel sad or hateful about it. I just don't know how to do that by myself.

    The second thing that happened, not many people know about because I don't want to tell them. This is where I'll put a trigger warning, this following includes a sexual assault story so if you think that'll be too much for you to read, this is where you should stop. I debated telling my family not to read this because I'm not sure if I want them to know but I also think that I'm ready for them to. 

    I was raped on my 18th birthday by my ex-boyfriend. I've never really said that before. Again I'm not writing this to be a victim because I don't want this bad experience to define me, but I can't pretend that it hasn't affected me in ways that maybe I don't even understand. I went camping with this guy and his family my birthday weekend and his parents were super chill, they bought me some wine. A few other campers were there that kept giving me tequila shots. I got pretty drunk and I passed out in our tent. The next morning my boyfriend was in a great mood and I asked him why he was so happy. He said because of the incredible sex we had last night. I don't remember any of it. I was sleeping. Back then I didn't know how wrong it was because he was my boyfriend. I knew how it made me feel, I was very uncomfortable and I just wanted to go home. I wanted a hot shower and I wanted to go to sleep. 

    It wasn't until a year later when I was watching this show and the same thing happened to the girl in it. They called it rape. That was when it clicked for me. That was when I understood my own feelings and I understood why I didn't like being touched anymore. Or why I felt unsafe around people that I didn't before. Why I didn't want to sleep. Why I can't do a tequila shot without having a panic attack. To this day I still can't. It's taken a really long time to be able to just say that I was raped. I didn't want to admit it and I didn't want to tell anyone. I was ashamed because I was the one who drank too much, and you know how people get. Obviously, she was asking for it, right? I never asked for that. I never wanted that, but had I not gotten that drunk then maybe it wouldn't have happened. 

    Very few people know about this, and if you're one reading it that didn't just know I didn't not tell you because of you, or because I don't trust you, or I don't love you. It's just taken a long time to process and I didn't want anyone to look at me differently. I really don't want that. This is something I don't want to have power over me, I don't want it to define me, I don't want it to control me anymore. 

    I know that just writing this won't heal all the hurt that I feel, but its a start and a move in the right direction. "What we give power to, then has power over us." I don't want to keep these feelings inside anymore. I've been doing a lot of self-reflection and a lot of self-care and I've realized that keeping everything inside is killing me. You can't just keep everything bottled up and then not expect to overflow or explode. I don't want either of those to happen. I deserve peace from this, I deserve to be able to move on and I deserve to have my birthday back. I'm tired of dreading this day and not wanting it and not accepting to be celebrated because I feel like a don't deserve it. I fucking do! I deserve to have an incredible birthday and I want to thank all the people out there who try their hardest to make it one.

    I think that's all for this one, words can't begin to explain how hard this was to write, but it was also freeing. I feel like there's a weight off my chest. 

    -Courtney.