Should We Talk About 2020?

         Is it the year that must not be named? Or referred to as the year to be forgotten? 

    While I'm sure some people may think that's the case, I'm not one of them. 2020 was hard and I'm not ignorant to the fact that a lot of people lost a lot. They lost security, money, jobs, homes, and worst of all they lost loved ones. I was blessed not to have lost a loved one and my heart goes out to those who did. 

    2020 was a year that we did not want, but it's a year that we all needed. It reminded us of the things that really matter and it reminded us that those things aren't in fact things. The people around us, the connections we make, the contact we have, the faces we miss, the hugs we need, the all-around support that just makes life better. When it really comes down to it those are the things that matter. Not the money, not the high tech gadgets or the fancy clothes. Not even getting a haircut or dining at a restaurant. 

    Our connections with the people dear to us are everything we need I think that this past year helped to exhume that in us. I would give all of my money, and I would give all of my belongings to be able to go to Canada to see my family and my friends. I want to go sit on Melissa's couch and watch the Lion King and eat popcorn and drink a stupid amount of ice-tea. I want to go Hiking with Dane and Alex and have them show me all the sights that we've been talking about forever. I want to smell whatever my Grandma is baking when I walk into her house, and I want to see the progress my Papa makes on his puzzles. And for fucks sake I just want to hug them all, and never let them go because that's what's important to me. This year taught me that I took all of that for granted, every single second of it. 

    I knew at the beginning of last year, even before the world collapsed on itself that I needed to make some changes in my life. Which I've gone into detail about in previous posts so I won't bore you with the nitty-gritty details. I just wasn't happy and I was tired of it so I started my Love Life List. This was the saving grace for me through this year. It allowed me to grow even though my surroundings got smaller and smaller. It gave me something to look forward to when options were limited. It gave me purpose and drive in a time of stagnation. If I didn't have it this year I believe that I would be in a far different place and mindset than I am now. 

    I spent the year working on myself, getting to know myself and my limits. Teaching myself that I am good enough and that I deserve the great things that life has to offer. The hardest thing about that was convincing myself that thinking those things was okay. I've had the mindset for so long that no matter what your loved ones come first, your family comes first. And absolutely they should come before most everything, but they shouldn't come before yourself. This doesn't mean that family and friends aren't important to me anymore because I would still do anything for them It's just that I've come to understand that I matter too, My words and thoughts matter too. I've come to understand that I can't give those people the best parts of me if those parts don't exist. I had to convince myself that doing this wasn't selfish and that was by far the biggest challenge.

    This year taught me to differentiate between so many things. For example, the difference between doing things for people that benefit them but hurt you and doing things for people that benefit them out of the kindness of your heart. It taught me boundaries and limits, what I can and can't handle, and what is too much. It taught me that somethings just aren't meant to be, but because they don't work out other, more beautiful things fall together. 

    This was a year of learning, growing, and transformation. Becoming the people we were supposed to be, even if getting there was a  long, bumpy and at times a little scary of a journey. In a weird way, I'm incredibly grateful to 2020 for being so horrible because without the bad how can we really see the good. How can we understand the absolutely amazing. How can we begin to comprehend how lucky and privileged we are unless it all gets taken away. 

    I think today's society is so caught up and having everything they want right when they want it. Like we're living in fast forward with fast food, fast cars, fast internet, and everything just passes us by. This year forced us to slow down. To get in the right lane or take the back road. To smells the fucking roses before they wilt away. To enjoy the moment because once it's gone it gone. Once people are gone they're gone. You can't to go the store and get a new mom, or replace the batteries in your best friend, Amazon doesn't have a backstock selection of boyfriends. We only get one life and this year taught me to just go one breath at a time and appreciate every moment of it.