Hey, What's Up?
Hey guys! I have not written a blog
in a long time, and since I'm on winter break right now from school right now,
I have a bit of free time to think. I really miss writing blogs, it is one of
the only things I really do that just for me. It's a way to get my thoughts and
feelings out without actually having to talk about them. I'm not much of a
talker, especially these days.
There has been so much happening
this year, so many events, activities, to-dos, emotions, feelings, adventures,
mistakes, sicknesses, school, work, family, and one thing after another that
I've really put myself on the back burner for the better part of the year. I
don't like that, don't get me wrong, I love my family and I love doing things
for everybody because that does make me happy. I just haven't been doing
anything for myself, and I feel like I've totally lost connection with the
person that I was and the one I want to be.
This year I've entered a few
different roles in life and there's all these new people in my life. I want
them to know the person that I really am, and I know that lately, I haven't
been that person. There are a million reasons why, but the main one just comes
back to not making me a priority. I've been prioritizing everyone else to the
point of self-exhaustion. I think my biggest flex or problem or whatever is
that I love too hard, but to everyone except myself. When it comes to me it's
always been hard for me to see what other people see in me. Maybe that's
because I always treat everyone a lot better than I treat myself. But I was
also raised to love and respect and give kindness to everyone so it's hard to
give love, respect and kindness to myself when those glasses are empty at the
end of the day.
I was thinking about making another
love life list because that really helped last time. It helped me to feel
connected to myself. Realistically though, I have school which takes up most of
my free time after my 10–11-hour work. Then there's housework, laundry,
errands, two dogs to take care of and by the time it’s my turn I'm just tired
and my self-care turns out to just be getting at least a few hours of sleep
before I have to do it all again the next day.
It's getting harder to manage
everything, like the older I get the more shit I have to do, and I really don't
know how people do it because the days aren't long enough. Either you give up
sleep or eating, cooking, or bathing or some other necessity to survive just so
you can do the things that you need to do in a day. This shit is wild. I didn't
think growing up meant you just have a constant to do list that usually ends
with you on hold with a customer service rep. I feel like that's not what I
signed up for.
I did do one thing to try and help
me out to remember everything and not search through a thousand different
notebooks to find the one thing that I need that I wrote down months ago. I
created this home management binder. Well, I downloaded a template, but then I
realized that only some of the tabs/ sections applied to my life. Like there’s
a whole section dedicated to owning your own home and with today’s market let's
get real... I ended up customizing the template and by the time I was done it’s
pretty much my own thing. There’s very little ruminates of what it looked like
before.
I had a thought though; this binder is working well for me so maybe I could create a side job where I create templates for other people, and they could be customized or themed. Like some theme ideas I had would be one for parents, one for college students, or one for holidays planning, or finances. Personally, I use my finances tab the most. I asked some of my friends what they thought of the idea, and they liked it, but I would love to hear other opinions as well. I like this idea because it's something I can do for me, and it really doesn't take very much time. I can make a whole section in less than twenty minutes.
Anyway, this year was hard in a lot
of ways. I had the realization that not everyone you want to be in your life is
worth keeping around. I cut ties with one of my best friends growing up because
it dawned on me that our friendship had become pretty one-sided. It hurt, and I
miss him and the bond and friendship that we had. However,
I know I'm better off not begging for someone
else's time and moving mountains for people that wouldn't lift a pebble for me.
And there's been multiple instances like that this year, there was someone who
was new to my life that I thought could be a good part of it but they ended up
being another person that I would be okay leaving in the past even if they will
always be some part of my future. I don't know if that makes sense but I'm not
trying to add too many details. This person just pushed me down at a time where
I needed a helping hand to get up.
It's hard to cut ties with people
because I'm someone who always tries to find the good or remember what was and
create it again. However, sometimes that's wishful thinking and you can't
depend on people to be who you want them to be or treat you how you want to be
treated. They will be the people that they want to be and that's really all
there is to it guys. You can't change people; you can't make them realize
things or make them feel what you feel. That's entirely up to them. Some people
can't see things from any other perspective than their own. Which makes me sad
for them because I feel like you miss so much when you have that mindset.
Another thing that happened this
year that really pulled my heartstrings was that my sweet Nana Bear passed
away. It was pretty sudden for me; I knew she was getting old, but you don't
think about that. You just look at the gray hairs and laugh and call her a
little old lady, or stare into her cloudy eyes and think about all the years
you had and hope there's more to come or snuggle her not knowing it will be the
last time you do. But now I'm here crying over my computer writing this because
I miss her so much, and I didn't get to say goodbye because I moved three hours
away. I’ll never fault my family for that. I know my mom feels bad that I
wasn't there, but I have two dogs of my own now and I can't say that I wouldn't
have done the same thing. Those little fur balls deserve to not suffer or feel
any pain because the only thing they ever made you feel was love. As much as I
wanted them to wait for me, I knew that was selfish and she knew I loved her
more than the world. That's what important. I've been lucky, my family is
healthy, I still have all my siblings, my parents, my grandparents, and all of
my incredible friends that really are family. So, Losing Mallory and my two
cats were really the only experience I've had with losing loved ones. But no
matter who you lose it still makes you take a step back and think about how
lucky you are to have gotten to experience them while they were here, and it
makes cherish what you still have while it's still here.
I will say that this Christmas has been hard without her because every year she had her own stocking. I thought about that the other day and for a second, just a split moment in time, I forgot. I got excited about watching her rip open the tissue paper wrapped toys and how cute it is and then I remembered that I won't get to see that this year because she's gone. So that sucked, but it's also okay because I know she's still around somehow. I'm not sure what I believe in, whether it's heaven or spirits or a sort of afterlife but I want to believe that she's still here somehow.
My plan for the next year is to put
myself and the things that make me happy first, or at least close to first. I
need to be prioritized, and I need to prioritize myself and not expect anyone
else to do it. I miss being the person that I was, and in some ways, I've
changed for the better. I've had a lot of realizations this year and discovered
a lot about myself that I didn't know. Some of those things were good and some not
so good. I know I'm not perfect and I know I will never be perfect, whatever
that is, but I can be the best version of me. After all that's why I made this
blog anyway, it's called being better just because, because I really want to be
better than the past versions of myself, and my reason is just because. Because
why not? Why wouldn't you want to be true and authentic to the you that you were
meant to be? Whether I do that through another love life list or through my
life management binder or through therapy or whatever, this is the year that
I'm going to do that because I deserve that and so does everyone else. Maybe
some of you feel the same way, that with all life throws at you sometimes
you're so busy just trying to survive that you forget you should live too.
