Healing is not Linear.
I've been going through a season of
healing and with spring in full effect it's such an amazing time for regrowth
and rebirth and just an overhaul of life in general. If flowers can bloom after
a harsh winter, then we can too. I've been listening to a lot of podcasts and TedTalks
lately, and eventually I want to write a blog about the best self-help ones
that I find because some of them are too good not to share. I've been in this
funk for a while, and I kept putting it off, and putting it off, and just
ignoring the feelings hoping they would just go away. Well, that didn't happen,
they just grew bigger. I got myself into a situation that as much as it sucked,
and it hurt, and it broke me, I honestly think that break was exactly what I
needed to realize that it’s my turn. It's my time to be me.
I've been doing a lot of
introspection lately and honestly; it's been so nice to figure out where my
life needs work. I've been so focused on getting everyone else ducks in a row
that mine ended up in every fucking direction possible and now I have to chase
them down.
The thing about healing is it
doesn't just happen, you don't wake up and say, “oh yeah, I'm better now” or
get to say “by tomorrow I’ll be fine.” It takes time and it takes work. We can’t
just ignore our feelings we need to sit with them and allow ourselves to feel
them. If you need to cry, then cry because sometimes that’s what you need. A
really good cry can be therapy all in itself. Healing comes in waves and some
days you might feel back to normal, and the next day you might have a roller
coaster of emotions and that's okay. That's healthy. Just acknowledge the way
that you feel and try to work with it. If you’re feeling down think about what’s
making you feel that way and what you can do about it.
One podcast that I’ve been
listening to talks about healing in depth. She says something along the lines
of "I believe that if something is bringing you down then that’s a sign
that there’s an issue coming to the surface that needs attention." I try
to believe in the saying when good things fall apart better things can fall
together. I feel like that quote ties into what this person said in the
podcast. Usually when we think about things in our life we tend to think about
the people and the objects and the roles that we play in everyday life. Not so
often do we think about mental health aspects and our own qualities and growth.
I think the recent events in my life have opened up doors to acknowledge what’s
going on the inside because that’s the part of me that needs attention right
now. Sometimes we look for things in people because we aren’t giving those things
to ourselves. Like for me I crave love and attention, to be real with you guys,
that's what I want because that’s what I’m not giving myself. I’m not giving
myself that love and I haven’t given myself that attention. I want someone to
fight for me because I don't fight for myself, or at least I didn’t. I’m
learning how to now and I’m starting to realize that not everything is my fault,
and I don’t need to apologize for how things make me feel because those feeling
are fucking valid.
Healing takes time, it takes effort
and it's so fucking okay to not be okay, we don't need to fake it. We can express
what we need to express, and if that makes other people uncomfortable then fuck
those people dude. If they truly and honestly want you to be happy then they
will love you even when you’re not.
When you heal, you become this
entirely different person and you have to grieve who you were before. You have
to let go of that person because who you used to be might not serve you now. You
had to be who you were to survive something, to get through a hard time. When
those times end you have to rediscover how to be and how to live in a
completely new way and it’s terrifying sometimes because you have to let down
those walls and break those barriers. This is hard because those walls and
barriers protected you for so long.
Remember that it’s okay to sit with
your emotions, be with your rage and your sadness and find a way to be grateful
for them because they can be a catalyst in your healing. Understand what gives
you those feelings because while they might be uncomfortable, they are still
passion. Think about why you are mad, because something you love or something
that you believe was challenged. A quality in you was tested or something that
you know yourself to be was questioned. That's passion. Why are you sad? Because
you lost something you care about, or you lost a piece of yourself, or you
missed a great opportunity? That is passion you guys, and it’s okay to feel
that. It’s important and healthy to feel that. Sit with it, but don't live with
it. Use it to heal and use it to grow into what you want to be. One thing that I've noticed as I'm entering this safe space and a clearer headspace is that I am exhausted. It's been non-stop go go go for so long and I didn't get a chance to rest and refresh until now. Let yourself rest, and give your self grace. We've been through so much and in times like these our cortisol levels are astronomical because we've been in stressful situation. It's put your body in a constant state of fight or flight mode and now you can turn that off and finally take a breath of fresh air.
Another thing about healing is that
when you start this process more and more things are going to pop up that you
notice need work. It can be things that you thought you healed from or things
maybe you completely forgot about, but it’ll pop up and we need to acknowledge
those things and give them attention. Try not to focus on everything at once,
maybe write a list of things that you want to improve and prioritize them and
then when you feel confident in one move to the next. Don’t be too hard on yourself,
healing is a journey. Be grateful about where you are now and appreciate every
moment because your life doesn't start when you get where you want to be, it
already started and you can’t get days back.
I watched a TedTalk for school this
quarter and it said that the most important thing in life is not happiness, it’s
to have meaning, to feel like you’re living a meaningful life. When you find
meaning, happiness will be a byproduct of that. Happiness isn’t a destination,
and neither is meaning it’s a journey it’s a long haul. It’s easy to say like “oh
when this happens” or “when I get this then I’ll be happy, but then you stuck
in this cycle of misery waiting for happiness. Who the fuck knows when you’ll
get to this place where you think happiness is waiting for you and what if you
get there and it doesn’t even make you happy. Live your life now, be present,
and choose joy every day. Find meaning in every day. Don’t judge yourself too
hard because this isn’t a quick fix, there’s no quick fixes so just be grateful
about where you are right now, whatever step you’re taking cherish it. Appreciate
every day because this isn’t a trial run or a rehearsal,
this is your life and when it’s gone it’s gone. So don’t miss out on right now because
you’re waiting for a miracle. You are a fucking miracle; your life is a fucking
miracle. Please treat it as such.
As always, thank you so much for
reading. I honestly love you all from the bottom of my heart and I want you to
be happy and be the best version of you, just remember to love yourself even if
you’re not there yet.
- Courtney
